So many times I think we feel that we must go back and correct every mistake we have made from the past. God only knows if I were to do that, I could never make any progress forward. In fact, I believe it is ONLY because of all the mistakes I have made that I have finally moved into a place where I feel I am truly forging my own path, that my destiny is more a matter of what I want to do, rather than what just...happens. There is something to be said, yes, for allowing fate to guide your way, but there is also something to be said for narrowing the parameters of destiny a bit. There's a big difference between shining a flashlight on a sidewalk in your neighborhood and shining one in the deep woods of Arkansas. I have been in both places and I have to say that at this particular juncture in my life, being within walking distance of a hot meal and a bath is fine by me.
A new destiny is on the horizon for me soon, though, and I am currently sitting with the fact that I don't know where I am going to be two months from now. I have clues that it MIGHT be one of two places, but nothing has been set in stone yet. One is more favorable than the other, although the *other* has its merits. Patience has been my greatest lesson to learn, though, so I continually must remind myself to BE HERE NOW. It would be easy to fall prey to thinking that "oh, we are moving in two months so I really don't need to bother with that", rather than Do That Thing Now and enjoy it for the next two months. Because now is now is now is now, and later will come on its own, soon enough.
Last week I completely rearranged my studio space. As a working artist (and yee ha, hello creative brain that takes ADD to a whole new level!), it is imperative that my work space be organized by task and materials. I have about five products that I am producing at this time, so it is all too easy to let things get out of control. I have learned to break my schedule into one day for each product, cleaning up completely afterward, then moving on to the next product the following day.
As much as I would like to say I am KILLING IT with this new approach, that has yet to become the truth. My arch-enemy, the nemesis of my productivity and time-sucking-abyss is...television. As long as I never turn it on, I am fine. But once the magnetic pull into the tractor-beam of the Lure of Illumination has occurred, I'm a goner. And it is the most ridiculous things that compel me to watch, mesmerized. I have seriously watched "The Fugitive" with Harrison Ford no less than four times...how much more good can I chew out of that movie!?!?! For some reason the comfort of the familiar transcends the need to elbow my way out of my figurative amniotic sack and push through the discomfort of creative effort, feeling the rawness of possible mistakes, pushing through them, and ultimately creating a new comfort zone.
The Inertia of ADD. Overthinking, under-doing. I must remind myself of the advice I gave my children when they were either hung up on a mistake, or had no idea how to proceed: Start HERE. Start now, make one small effort, keep putting one foot in front of the other...do anything, but do something.
So HERE is where I am starting. I am putting words on a page, not going back to recount all those God Only Knows pages and pages and pages of mistakes (and thankfully only HE knows some of them!) that preceded this new entry, and I start here, raw and vulnerable. In saying that, however, I will also say that there have been Great Blessings that I will share as I go along, flecks of gold that were picked up in the light and tucked into my pocket. That has made it all worthwhile.
No TV tonight. Sorry, Harrison, but you and Tommy Lee are going to have to figure it out by yourselves. I've got my own path to navigate, my own shackles to shed. I will allow myself to feel the rawness, and to push through it. Starting here.